Drafts of ante noctem (3)

Whenever I write under this title, I desire to talk about Virginia Woolf  and the tecnique "stream of conciousness". It covers my mind unintentionally, as if I've dedicated the title to her.

Actually, (to confess) somehow I like to write under this title before I go to bed. It makes me feel that I leave all the mass of thoughts I have during "turning on pillow time" on this page and sleep peacefully. Of course I'm only deceiving myself, coz it's impossible to get rid of what I've got in mind and depths of mind.

Having a vivid memory is my curse! That is why I can't move on easily. That is the reason why I cannot depart from my past. F.ck the oblivion, I've already given up on that; yet it doesn't even gets "flu" enough not give pain, shame, happiness, hope, longing... and what emotions else it makes me feel! I'm unlucky in many aspects. I can count many haplessness and curses I have from birth, but none of them affects me more bitterly than the CLEAR MEMORY! (as an elephant)

But memory is such a complex and inexplicable shit that, sometimes I can never remember the simplest things. For instance when I'm playin' chess, at the beginning of the game, I always (literally always) get confused the exact places of "check" and "queen". I always do it, without any exceptions. However I'm playing it since I was 15.

Indeed, I'm not here to write about my memory or personal experiences. I just wanted to write things that nobody understands, nobody knows, nobody cares. Or some Bukowski kinda words, which seem immoral and disgusting, in fact means so many important things, but that's not my style. I can only swear mouthfully that's all.

I feel so fool coz these are not the words I came here to write. I triffled again. Mostly I can't prevent it. I'm not so assertive to triffle in face to face talk, but when it comes in writing I don't have a limit.

Whatever, no need to belabour. If I have many important things to explain I can return willingly you know. Until than, that's all folks!

Kisses...

Drafts of ante noctem (1)

Virginia Woolf

How depressed i feel when i read a Virginia Woolf novel. Her expression both encourages me and despairs me. She’s different from anyone i know and any novelist i read.

Years ago (many many years ago actually because i’s only 13) Duygu Asena gave me the same feelings. I was too young to read her books but now i’m thankful to the person who introduced me with her books. Actually i dont remember who was that, maybe it’s just a tv programme, i’m not sure.

As i said before i’m trying to form my own library, i’m constatly buying sets of books, they’re mostly philosophical, historical and mythological books. And some writers whose ideas i overrate, like George Orwell.  I guess forthcoming days i’ll have new sets of Virginia Woolf, Duygu Asena and John Stuart Mill.

Oh i forgot to give the good and the bad news! The good news is i and Ophelia moved from pension to a house, the bad one is Viola quit her job and left Tutak ‘cause of some individual problems. I’ll talk about it later ‘cause it’s not a matter to take brief.

…

My sister was here last week. Yes my sister, Calipto (she likes this nickname) came to Tutak to visit me. She was so hestitant to come here and i accepted her visit as i wanted her to see what a f.cking place it was!

But i wish she wouldnt have come, couse i miss her now. I miss her more than ever. I understand how powerful the blood relation is, beter than before. She’s the only person who gives me great joy. When we find each other we dont need anyone else to have good time.

Calipto & I are in front of the Ağrı mountain

I’d better quit writin’ or i’ll burst out crying. I cant Express how desperate i feel in this bloody town, so far away from my beloved ones.

Ok i’m going to bed now to sleep early for the first time for weeks. I hope i fall asleep a.s.a.p before i sob…

Books books everywhere

I have inspired from Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s poem, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner while writing the title. Which says “water water everywhere” in one of the lines.

If we turn our main point back:

I have to put an end to buy books.

I haven’t even literally started the serial of mythology and Nietsche, I bought on last September. But I can’t help myself ordering books from the net again and again.

The bad part is, I don’t have enaugh space to keep my books, in the hostel room I’m staying. And I don’t wanna send them Tekirdağ without reading.

Last week I couldn’t hold myself back and I ordered some George Orwell books I have been planning to read for a long time.

I ordered four of his works; Keep the Aspidistra Flying, Down and Out in Paris and London, A Clergyman’s Daughter, The Road to Wigan Pier.

Also, I bought a Virginia Woolf novel, To the Lighthouse. Although I know the whole story, I just wanna keep that book in my library. (In the library I don’t own now, but I hope to have in the future)

Because of my limited spare time I’m not a fast and prompt reader. (Notwithstanding, I still don’t give up obtaining books) For instance I’ve been reading Thomas Hardy’s Far From the Madding Crowd for two weeks… Since my university years I’ve been interested in this book’s title. I’m serious! At first I’ve just liked the title. But now, I like both the story and title; even characters...

Whatever... To sum up, I need somebody to stop me from spending my money on books. However, my problem is not about money, but space…